I'm totally fine...most of the time

I have to be honest with you about this last week. It was really hard. The first few days of this past week were probably some of the hardest days I've had since I've been here. Of course there was the challenging adjustment period at first that was difficult just becuase of the nature of it, but once I got past that I felt like I was kind of getting the hang of this whole thing, however unpredictable, up and down, and crazy it can be. That's what I thought...until last Sunday. I'm not really sure what got me feeling down, but on the day that marked 8 months of me being here I started feeling homesick, missing my friends, not wanting to be here, not knowing what I was doing or why.

It all really started with my iPod. It sounds ridiculous, my iPod started being all crazy and it made me sad. What a silly story. But really though, last Sunday morning I woke up early all ready to put some podcasts on my iPod and head out for a long run in my frog shoes, and the iPod wouldn't cooperate. I decided when it started working I'd take off. It didn't start working, it says it needs to be restored on a different computer or something, who knows..., but the longer I waited, little by little my mood fell, and within a few hours I had decided I just plain didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to run, I didn't want to call a friend to cheer me up, I didn't want to do some yoga, I didn't want more coffee. I just plain wasn't happy about anything.

I decided I was gonna shake it off though. 'I'm smarter than this feeling,' I thought, 'I know what's going on and I am not going to let this happen. I'm gonna get out there, run, and when I come back I'll feel all better.' And off I went. It was a spectacular run. I went up, and up, and up the hills just by my town. The high I got the cooler it got, the greener it got, the friendlier the people got and the fresher the air was. My 6 miles up took me just to the top of a psuedo-mountain, being from the West anything that's not the Rockies or the Sawtooths isn't really a mountain, and I could see everything. I was surrounded by Cyprus trees, I was all alone and very proud of how far I'd some. 'See,' I thought, 'you can do it. Some fresh air, a few, getting out of the house. You're ok.' I ran back down in my "duck not sure how to use her feet" fashion but arrived home to... the same sad feeling.

I thought I'd kicked it, usually the endorphins do the job, but not today. So I showered and decided I knew the trick. I was going to go to the 'big' city about an hour from me, where there's a movie theater and see a movie. Perfect. I got my things and headed to the bus stop. I bus had passed earlier than usual. Tried for the next one. Turns out that one doesn't run Sundays. Next one then. Well, it was 30 minutes late. I was too late to catch the movie. Things like this, that could infuriate me, really don't phase me anymore so I just headed back to the house. I watched a movie on TV with my family and told myself that at least I tried, and tried to tune into the big part of me actively working against my sadness.

That night my family went out for dinner, my little sister told me I looked nice, which is big coming from a little girl who always says, "Looks like you're all ready except for doing your hair." I respond, "Nope, already did it. Ready to go." She assesses me and says, "Ooooh. Ok. You mean...oh... right." So that was nice, but either way I sat through dinner not saying much and just couldn't quite kick the little sadness monster in my head.

Monday rolled around and more of the same. I went to school even thought I didn't want too. Did my work. Came home, did some yoga. Congratulated myself on actively working to feel better, but the endorphin high lasted only about 5 minutes.

Tuesday the story hadn't changed. I didn't want to go to school, but I did. After school I strapped on the running shoes on and climbed another hill. Looked around. Took a few deep breaths. Thanked the powers that be for my health and the opportunity to be where I am, and told myself if my life wasn't something to be happy about, I didn't know what was. Came down. Then sun set. Things were alright...I guess.

Wednesday, I had only a few plans, a couple meetings with teachers then my English conversation group. Teacher meetings were good, except that I was told that we don't have time for my "games" in classes. Conversation group was fine, except that it was non-existent. It consisted of me sitting with a newspaper and a cup of coffee watching the high school students I hold the group for, walk past the front door of the meeting spot and on to play video games or whatever else they do. So really it was a disheartening day. I know this is all part of the experience. I can plan the best lessons, work hard to organize things and care with all my heart about what I'm doing, but that doesn't mean the people here get it or value these things like I do. Such is life, but that does me especially no good as the little sadness monster settles into his new home in my head.

And so it went, into Thursday, then to Friday. Almost at the point of despair, or at least a few tears, enter stage life: The saving grace of all of this. Friday I went to San Jose.  Finally, a breath of fresh air. I headed into town early in the morning because that afternoon I had a lunch date with a young lawyer with whom I have been in contact because of an event at which her firm had invited me to speak. I met her downtown and had a delicious vegetarian sandwich on a lovely patio at a fancy hotel with a live piano player. I'll tell you, that was just what I needed. I followed this with a good cup of coffee, a great conversation with my Peace Corps "boss", a game of indoor soccer with some volunteers and Peace Corps staff, a Greek gyro and a Wendy's frosty. Things turned around my friends. The rest of the weekend I spent in San Jose, because of the said event with the law firm, and took in, with relief, the change of scenery.

As much as I feel at home in my rural town, with my family, in my school. There is a lot to be said for familiarity. Speaking English. Eating delicious food that has no rice or beans. Talking about ideas that are bigger than the weather.

More than anything, I learned this week that when I feel this way I just need a little charge for my batteries, a little movin' and shakin'. Fortunately I got just that. I'll tell you all about the thing I was doing in San Jose later this week when I get the pictures, because that was pretty cool, too.