My long runs are one of my favorite and least favorite parts of the week. I love them because I always see cool stuff. I loath them because...I mean...come on, who wants to run for 3+ hours? You get sore, you get tired.
In all honesty, I am a person who actually does want to go out and run for hours, but the thought of it before I'm actually out there scares me. I have this idea that if I run too far, it's going to be too hard. I make up all kinds of worries that make me not want to go out. I worry that I won't make it. I worry that it will hurt too bad. I worry that I'll have to walk, which I feel like is defeat. I worry that I'll hit a mental "wall" and start crying. I worry that despite packing two liters of water and food I won't have anything to drink or eat. I worry I'll get hurt. I worry about things I have entirely made up in my head. The truth is I just psych myself out.
Somehow despite all of this I still manage to go out there and "just do it", as Nike would say. And wouldn't you know, that I made it. I did it. I completed what I started out to do. I did it yesterday, the week before, last month, last year, the first time I ran a marathon, the first time I pulled a 2k race in crew, the first time I scored a goal in rec soccer, the first time I rode a bike. The point is everything I've ever thought too hard, hasn't been. I've found myself these last few weeks coming home from my runs asking myself, "So, which part was so hard and scary?" The answer is that this part didn't exist. It was made up in my head, in reality what I did was tough, but no tougher than anything I'd done before.
I have been told, and strongly agree, that running is a metaphor for life; all sport is, really. The metaphor became really clear when I set my running experience up against my Peace Corps experience. Take the following situations:
When you're running a marathon you're nervous. You have doubts. There are many unknowns. You're try to be as ready as you can, but you usually still feel like a little more preparation would make you feel better. There's usually a moment you feel like scrapping the whole thing. And then the gun sounds, a rush of adrenaline sweeps over you and you're off. One foot in front of the other and you're on your way. All the sudden you're halfway done, and it's not that bad. You're 5 miles from the end, it's hard, but not impossible. You think you will never make it to Mile 22. Then you're 2 miles from the finish. Who would give up here? That's crazy. You can do it. You concentrate, and you do. You're done. You're tired, you're sore. It was a struggle, no doubt, maybe you even cried (like I have a couple times), you may have even walked a bit (which is NOT defeat), but you made it. And now you're sitting there wondering what ever make you think you couldn't do it.
I liken this to my Peace Corps experience. I'm here. I worry that I'm not prepared enough, that I can't don't my job well, that I won't make an impact. I'm moving step by step. One day, one week at a time. I finish one project and it's ... successful, (it's like a few miles). My other projects are going along, (I'm moving along on the course). I don't think anyone will show up, but they do (I didn't think I could make 2 more miles but I did). I don't think anyone will learn anything, but I have an adult English class saying "Holy Cow!", that's something (I get a feel-good rush where I thought I'd be exhausted). It gets hard, I get frustrated, sometimes I don't know what to do or where to go next (I hit a "wall" and cry, maybe walk a little bit). But, I'm doing it. However slowly, however uniquely I'm doing my best to do something good.
I know two years will pass and I'll look back and ask myself, "So, which part was so hard and scary?", and there won't be one. There will only be the ups and downs that make any good thing worth it.
*Addendum: This was written while in a particularly good mood. Please remind me to go back and read it when I'm upset.
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