After a great trip to Niacragua with two wonderful volunteer friends, I made it safely back to Costa Rica...although I brought home a souvenir flu.
The week we spent away was fun, relaxing and much needed. After almost 10 months here it was really nice to have a vacation. We go away for weekends here and there and we have Peace Corps events, but to really being on vacation not thinking about work or the Peace Corps was refreshing. There is a tendency among Peace Corps volunteers to only talk about the Peace Corps. You live and breath the experience every minute of every day, since it's your life and your work, and it's such a rich and consuming experience that it's hard to remember sometimes there is more to you and your life. While it's helpful to be able to share the experiences with others who are going through the same, it gets tiring to only think, live and talk about that. Which is exactly why our vacation was so nice. In addition to seeing the sights in Nicaragua, we were able to really enjoy each other's company; laugh and reminisce about travel, college, the U.S., our friends and families, and remember who we are outside of this experience.
This trip fell at an significant time in our Peace Corps service, and getting away got me really thinking about things. I've been in my town for almost 8 months and in Costa Rica for about 10 months. That's the better part of a year, and even though it's a long time, I'm still going to be here for another 17 months. When I look back, I know it will all look short and feel like it flew by, but when you're in the thick of it, looking 17 more months in the eye really gets you thinking. After finishing up one semester of school I started taking a critical look at what I'm really doing here. If I'm going to be here 17 more months I really need to have a clear picture of what I'm doing and why. Without a focus it's hard to justify my work and living and refute the argument that I could be more useful somewhere else.
I've been really careful about expressing doubts or concerns about my work as a volunteer on my blog. I don't want anyone to get the idea that I don't like what I'm doing, or to come to the wrong conclusions about the work or the Peace Corps as an organization. That being said, please take anything I say for what it is: personal feelings and opinions about my job and life in the Peace Corps. I feel that now, after a fair bit of time here, I can more fairly express many of the thoughts/doubts/frustrations that I've had about my work since I arrived here.
My position here is defined as a "Teaching English as a Foreign Language Volunteer". I am working to improve English skills and English teaching skills in the school and community in which I work, and furthermore work on any projects that will improve quality of life and development standards in my community. So, what I'm trying to say is that I'm here to teach English and I can do other stuff if I want. I came in to the Peace Corps very dubious of being an English teaching volunteer. Everyone is entitled to how they feel about volunteers teaching English abroad, but I feel that there is an element of imperialism inherent in a rich country sending volunteers to a poorer country and saying: "I'm here to make your lives better, I will teach you my language." I know that's not an accurate description of how Peace Corps works, but I maintain that it's a point that should be considered. I also had many doubts about the development situation in Costa Rica. When I can cross the border into Nicaragua and see visible poverty, I question if I'm really being best used helping "develop" my Costa Rican town where virtually everyone has their basic needs met, and then some.
All of this can sound very critical, of the Peace Corps, of English teaching, of what so many volunteers are doing in Costa Rica. Like I said earlier, don't take this as criticism of the Peace Corps, I am not in any way saying the work being done with my project is not important or good, because it is certainly both of those things. This really is about my work, and whether my job and I match up. My questions are, "Are my skills and experience being best used here?" and "Does the work I'm doing here match my motivations, interests and goals?" These are important questions and there is certainly an argument that crosses my mind now and then, that says I should have thought about this before I committed to this job, but you never know anything until you're in it and that's all I can really say to that. As far as answering those questions, I may not ever have concrete answers, but what I've determined so far is: A: My experience and knowledge is being well used, I'm trained in teaching, I'm a native English speaker and I have language teaching experience. The fit is pretty good on that front. Any job I ever have is going to draw on a certain set of my experiences, and it's up to me which direction I take. B: My motivations and goals are very much aligned with what I'm doing here. I want to help those who don't have as much as I do, and I need more experience doing this so I can continue to be more effective at it as I move into a career. So, what's the problem then?
The "problem", or better put the crux of this whole thing, is that I'm not passionate about teaching English. I've come to the conclusion that that's it, plain and simple. It's not that I don't like teaching, or being a volunteer, or working in Costa Rica, it's just that teaching English doesn't excite me. It's an important thing and necessary thing in Costa Rica, but I believe that if someone is going to be a teacher, of anything, they need to be passionate about teaching and what they teach. I'm passionate about education and teaching, but not about English as a second language. I know there are teachers out there that are passionate about it, and I feel they are more fit for this than I am, but at this point what should I do?
That's actually not even really a question. I know what I should do, I should keep doing what I'm doing. I care about the people I teach, even the teenagers who give me lots of eye-rolls and dirty looks. I really do believe that education, of any type, is important and opens doors, and I know that me being willing to be here and share what I know with people here is valuable. Plus, if I don't do it who else will? There aren't really people tearing down the door to improve the English situation in the country. I might not be thrilled to be teaching English, but how often is it that people are thrilled by every aspect of their job? I can and will do what I'm here to do, I'm just glad I pinpointed part of why I question this whole thing.
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